How to Help Someone You Care About Change
A client brought this challenge up last week. They have a family member they want to help, but they haven’t made the attempt to help because they feel it might be a “lost cause.” Here’s what they wrote:
“I have people in mind that I want to teach The Inevitable You® to and practice it with. I’m wrestling with my practicing with myself, but maybe that would accelerate my evolution as a leader as I teach others, right? As Covey said, you really learn something by teaching it to others, you realize what you aren’t clear on.
I have a person in mind in my family who is stuck in his ways, and in desperate need of change, and could really benefit from The Inevitable You® tools. I’m already in my mind presupposed that he’s going to resist it or not do anything, he has a victim mentality. I know he has so much potential but he’s not capitalizing on it. But I haven’t even made an attempt, I’ve let other voices come into my sphere, and tell me it’s a lost cause. And I haven’t even tried to help or apply tools myself.”
It may indeed be a lost cause, however, that does not, does not, does not, give you permission to be a lost leader. And as long as you’re not leading, then you are lost at a different level, because you don’t believe you have the ability to influence them.
Teaching makes it real, yes, but even more than that, is doing using the tools and doing the work yourself. You have to do it yourself, you have to be a leader, you have to show up this way every day. You get your bad days, you get your, “I hate the world” moments, you lay down and cry, and kick your feet and sob, and get mad. But then you get up and do it again, you get up and you lead.
So, if you presuppose that they’re a repeat offender or a lost cause, you’re still called to lead. Whatever it takes, whether it’s inspiring them, whether it’s being persistent with them, whether it’s never, never, never giving up on them. When they tell you no, then you wait, and you go back.
Because here’s the rule of leadership, as long as you care, people will give you great permission to step on their toes, push them when they’ve told you not to. Because they know you’re not doing it for your ego, you’re not doing it because you’re a narcissistic, you’re doing it for them. You’re doing it because you care, you show up and you care. And you tell them, “I won’t allow you to be victim, you’re not a victim.”
So sometimes whether there is focus on healing first, or focus on potentiality first, and build on their strengths, you are constantly planting seeds into their subconscious.
If they doesn’t like it, then you try again tomorrow. If they get really mad at you, wait till a family gathering and then you plant it six months from now, whatever it is. And at the end of the day, if one or both of you die at the end of a long life and they were a victim their whole life, you sleep like a baby because you know you loved them, you know you believed in them, you know that you pushed them.
And oh, by the way, who else are you also loving, pushing, and believing in?
So is it okay to let them determine their course? Maybe, maybe not.
There is certainly a quiet confidence, or quiet arrogance that one of two things happen. And here is my “software” for dealing with challenges like this: If someone is playing the less than card, that’s going to trigger one of two responses from me. Either one, I’m not going to let that happen, I’m going to continue to push, fight, scratch, crawl, pull back, go in, and pull back, go in, everything. I’ll do my thing to try and figure it out. And two, if I believe that it’s their karma to only have pain, guess what my responsibility as a leader is to them then?
Yeah, INCREASE their pain. And I realize that’s karmically hard for some of you, it’s karmically difficult for 90% of leaders. But the tool is, you are the doctor of oncology. When the doctor radiates and chemo’s your tumor, and your hair falls out, your mouth burns inside out, you drop a lot of weight, with the hope that you might survive. Who increases pain on an emotional or psychological tumor?
And people are busy saying, “Well, I can’t, and is it my right, and should I? I don’t know.” Or even with professionals, I have some of the biggest arguments with. They get it intellectually, but to truly understand, what’s going to happen with me and this patient is I’m going to chemo and radiate their emotional tumor with neural programming, The Inevitable You tools, whatever tools I choose. You’re going to choose the tools that you want to for whoever the person is you’re wanting to help.
This is not a well-understood methodology, it’s not like you can get the whole family to line up and chemo and radiate… oh, wait, you can! What happens when you line the whole family up for chemo and radiation? What do traditional psychologists call that? An intervention.
So we have this psychology, but most people will doubt their power and say, “Hey, I’m not a professional, am I gonna use it? I don’t know, I’m not sure, what if I can’t?”
You have choices, my friend. At the end of the day, you must show up as the leader every day, and continue to help, encourage, push, and support the people you care about.