When you look at what creates success in most relationships, most people think of their love or relationship as “good” or a success because they haven’t had a divorce or it’s better than other relationships that they see. Or if you had a divorce or a broken heart, good for you might mean that your partner isn’t mean or doesn’t cheat on you. There is a big “not” component that’s connected to relationships, and when you’re not experiencing the “not”, it feels good.
You know what success looks like in your job, your health, or parenting. You will do parenting at a very high level and give your kids all the love, affection, and support. You will give your children everything they need. But interestingly enough, what we see in people’s psychology with relationships is that they will make some level of sacrifice to create success.
When people get together and fall in love they will talk about things like where they want to live, how they want to raise their children, and what their history is. And when you first fall in love and everything is roses and perfect, and you ignore any of the challenges. As you go deeper in a relationship you begin to notice pain points. You begin to talk about things that you don’t like and things that need to change. What you are really talking about is family of origin issues. You saw your parent’s relationship or divorce, you saw them make decisions or not, fight and resolve fights, you saw how they spent their time. These things you observed falls into your “family of origin” programming, it created your view of relationships and who you are as a partner at a very young age. Things that you loved about your parent’s relationship and wanted to repeat, and things that you hated and you swore you would never do, begin to appear in your relationship.
These are really just software issues, things that were programmed into you at a very young age. Even though we are talking about affairs of the heart, I am using the technical term “software”. You have to take a deep look at family of origin programs, and look at your software around relationship. Really ask what you believe about relationships, your values, your rules around creating those values, the conflicts you have and how you resolve them, and what your dreams are!
And most people believe the other person in the relationship should know all of these things. Most don’t know the software that is driving conflicts and the correct steps to resolve it. Most people that get married believe a myth that marriage is this beautiful box with all these things they expect out of it like companionship, passion, intimacy, etc. But in reality it is an empty box that you have to fill with love, romance, and the art of your relationship.
Take the time and really look at your relationship software, and talk about it with your partner as you are in a relationship. Just taking the time to get consciousness around your family of origin programming will begin to create magical results in your love life!